The Look
The greatest love stories always have irreparable conflict; grand obstacles that were never triumphed because of the time that the stories took place. Romeo & Juliet both committed suicide, Solomon was not monogamous in his relationship with Shulamite, Jesus was crucified for the church, and the list goes on and on.
I suppose that concepts of attraction and the truth about love are far from what we’ve been taught to believe, far less idealistic than what we see in fairy tales. Love is complicated; attraction is fickle; and fairy tales lie.
I open with this point because I wonder how pure love really is, when we allow ourselves to be programmed as to who we can love based on social norms and acceptability.
There was a guy named Osi; nice looking guy, pretty tall, very well built (a bit stocky), with straight and almost blinding white teeth. He approaches a girl that he thinks is pretty, disregards any social or cultural duty, any expectation of him, and walks straight up to her. He speaks and she responds. They both laugh, sifting through the BS of first acquaintances to find if there is anything substantial enough to carry home on a thin white sheet of paper or a palm. She tells him her name, and finally asks his name as she extends her hand.
“Osi,” he answers.
Then she gives the look. She is classy, so isn’t blatantly condescending with the way she re-arranges her face, and has been raised better than to tell someone “I’m sorry, I don’t date Africans,” when the tone of her skin shows that Africa runs deep in her familial tree. She just gives a look; a look that says “sorry”, or “oh”, or “why can’t I get a good black man? Black like me?”, or “I don’t want to go there,” or “I can’t go there.” Osi is smart enough to dissect the look into meaning that sometimes things aren’t as simple as approaching someone that you think is pretty. Sometimes there is more to the equation.
There was a guy named Ray. Ray came from a middle-class family in Colorado and went to an Ivy league where he met a girl who he felt wrote the script on beauty. It was beyond the physical–her mind, her actions, the way she laughed, her history–everything about her made him want to pour into her, and to be filled in return. They began to date and eventually became an item, despite themselves, despite all of the warning signs around them. Before the holiday vacation, Ray asked her about going home with her since his parents were flying out of the country to London and he hadn’t gotten his passport in time. Then unexpectedly, as if his words were weights to eyes, she gave him the look.
“My mom doesn’t know I’m dating an African-American,” she said to him. Ray wasn’t sure how to respond. He all at once grew angry, betrayed; then he remembered that he hadn’t told his parents about the fact that she was Trinidadian. The look then became contagious, and her words became weights to his eyes, the silence a hard re-entry into reality.
There was this girl named Famatta. She was born in Liberia but was raised in the US and hadn’t associated with any other Africans until she went to college. There she met a Nigerian boy that made her forget of her difference; made the teasing from her past fade to a glorious pride in her heritage that he helped her to realize. Excited by her liberation, she gave herself to him and became pregnant during their senior year. Though afraid, she was willing to marry him and grew anxious to tell him of the possiblity of a family and life together.
“My mother wants me to marry a Yoruba girl,” he told her. The look could not escape her. The harsh realization of first-too-African-and-now-not-African-enough. And he looked at her like “sorry” or “oh” or “I don’t want to go there” or “I can’t go there”.
I couldn’t help but to give you these examples as an illustration of the world in which we live; where attraction and love have lost their purity and possibility to the lense of supremacy, cultural discrimination, and black divisive agendas.
I have nothing against preferences. It is our (healthy) right to know what we want and prefer. However, when that preference stems from a rule of hatred and ignorance, then there is a problem. As the next generation of black people, we have to make oaths to train our children differently than what/how we were raised. Of course keep in the respect, honesty, loyalty, spirituality, and all the other basic integrities that the diaspora breeds their children in. But we have to release the rule of exclusivity if we will ever get anywhere as a people. We are the only ones who see ourselves in the ways that we do. The outside world sees us as black. Just….black.
I am African and my significant other is African-American. Although our families get along and we’ve never had problems with the slight cultural difference, I can’t help but to think of what kind of environment our kids would grow up in if we ever decide to take the next step. At the rate that we are going, our kids would be raised with somewhat of a “mixed” mentality, where they are on the margin of two cultures and have to search and define their identity for themselves. Black people in the world (ALL OF US) are so unfortunately disjointed from one another that we are losing the possibility of ever unifying to form the powerful people that we were intended, we were created, to be.
Tags: Bi-cultural Relationships
You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.
July 1, 2008 at 11:28 am
I have a Sudanese-American friend in Minesota, she is dating a really sweet African American guy and her parents are not happy.
I’m not going to deny that we there are some serious cultural differnces, being black doesn’t unite us unless you believe in racial solidarity, but we are divided in a really horrible way.
I think a good example of AA/A relationships was Phat Girlz, the Nigerian/African man was seen as a woman-hatting ( he is going to force his AA gf to undergo FGM) and her friend thought he is going to end up leaving her after she gives him a green card/US visa.
Anyways, many AA families wouldn’t want their daughters dating an African man because of the typical stereotypes ( aggressive wife beater, FGM( her or her daughters), poverty if they moved to Africa and so on.
Also, the media discourages African American women to have (natural hair etc..) so, many of them straighten their hair or use weaves, many African women don’t.
Many of my friends were harassed because of their “african hair”…
sorry for the incoherence!
My point is alot of work needs to be done for it to be ok for AA and Africans to date
July 1, 2008 at 11:30 am
have a Sudanese-American friend in Minesota, she is dating a really sweet African American guy and her parents are unhappy.
I’m not going to deny that there are some serious cultural differences, being black doesn’t unite us unless you believe in racial solidarity, but we are divided in a really horrible way.
I think a good example of AA/A relationships was Phat Girlz, the Nigerian/African man was seen as a woman-hatting ( he is going to force his AA gf to undergo FGM) and her friend thought he is going to end up leaving her after she gives him a green card/US visa.
Anyways, many AA families wouldn’t want their daughters dating an African man because of the typical stereotypes ( aggressive wife beater, FGM( her or her daughters), poverty if they moved to Africa and so on.
Also, the media discourages African American women to have (natural hair etc..) so, many of them straighten their hair or use weaves, many African women don’t.
Many of my friends were harassed because of their “african hair”…
sorry for the incoherence!
My point is alot of work needs to be done for it to be ok for AA and Africans to date
July 1, 2008 at 11:44 am
Kizzie,
I can’t say that my experience has been like yours. I know many Africans and African-Americans that date. The merging is not as unheard (at least in my experience) as I think your experiences have led you to believe. I have heard that East Africans tend to date outside of their culture a lot less than West Africans. Maybe that contributes to your sentiments. I do agree that there are cultural differences, but nothing that makes it impossible for the groups to co-exist.
July 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I agree with SAH, I don’t think there is anything too major hindering a peaceful co-existence of the two groups.
July 2, 2008 at 5:56 am
Stuffafricanshate,
Sure, it is not impossible for the groups to co-exist, but my point is we still need to work on the AA/A relations.
July 2, 2008 at 10:52 am
You’re right, Kizzie, there is work to be done.
July 9, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I think we African and African American can date and we should date but it does require a whole lot of work that i dont think both sides are ready and willing to put in .I have been dating and talking to my AA sisters since i live in the US and i find it very hard to find a common ground to walk on .We should be willing to compromise and be truthful ,otherwise any relationship is doomed to fail .I told that to my AA friend and that i understand the difference in this situation .it is very hard since our AA friends not only do not know us ,but also the cultural difference plays a big role.We are different even between us African we do not see or think alike .
The ideal for my parents would be for me to marry a girl from my own country ,make no mistake about that but i also believe that they are opened and willing to accept any decision i make .
I agree with you all that there is work to be done, I am not normally pessimistic but i do not think we can succeed in this task .
Unity would have overcome all Obstacles ,but i do not know if our Black Community can achieve that
July 10, 2008 at 11:36 am
I feel you Birima, but I think it can be done. It’s just going to take a long time and more African people being seen in media. But you right even Africans have beef with each other so i don’t think total unity is as realistic as just learning to live together without conflict
July 16, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I think Africans n others races/ethnicities can date but when they have kids i feel that one culture is lost. But if the two are commited to instillin their cultures into their kids then its cool.
July 19, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I date/befriend African American women, and it works at that level, but I do not think marriage would work. I also get exhausted of the ignorance and stereotyping.
August 19, 2008 at 3:53 am
I find this post very interesting. I am an African American female who had the honor of going to Ghana one summer to teach. While there, I met an amazing guy..we kept in touch and I went back the following year and we spent a lot more time together and began dating. I spent a lot of time with his family. I am now back in the States and he is still in Ghana. We want to marry, although he has to get here first. I have been really hesitant to discuss the relationship with my parents because of all the stereotypes about AA/A relationships. My boyfriend also has a lot less education than I do, which makes things harder. However, I believe that our relationship can work and I would hope that our children would come to know both of our cultures and simply feel blessed to have the best of both worlds.
October 28, 2008 at 4:26 pm
People should read this.